I decide to choose relationship, not proving of truth – I can always chose

Very often I must decide about my reaction in critical situations. I ask myself: „How to react now?“ Shell I smack him? Shell I start to shout?“

Will I attack as a roaring lion, will I prove my truth in this situation, judge, philosophize, preach or will I first chose relationship – connection with children, calming the situation and solving the problem later?

These are nanoseconds, when this decision happens in my mind. If it actually happens. Or I  start my program, my reaction is automatic. Of course, it depends on situation. Recorded program is fine in some situations, it accelerates our lives. I would get crazy if I had to analyze the whole process anytime I open the door, if I should use the right of the left hand. But what to do if some programs are not that useful and do not bring the expected effect? And there are so many of them. That is why I learn to stop and realize, that there are always more options, I can always change it and not just telling myself: „ This is me, and it is not possible to do anything about it.“

These are the most important decisions for me. Because these appear in my relationships with my husband, my children, friends… And I decide if I bless the relationship or stone it, exactly in the way I decide to replay, look at it,….

Thanks to my kids I learn to stop and think about my reaction. Will I chose relationship or truth?

Critical situation

We are planning our day out. What to do, where to go? The dividing camps were created and opportunists want to talk. Boycott and never-ending disputes where to go.

As soon as the special moment of agreement is reached – preparation starts. Again never-ending packing and loading of car. Pooing and peeing, packing of nappies, searching shoes, solving of conflicts, collecting of forgotten things / when everybody is already in the car/. It is hectic but it does not matter. We do not give up. We hold our target. Our mood is maybe not perfect, but we go to the car.

„We ´re wresling for our own survival, own thoughts, own identity.“

Each of us has his own seat in the car, but the sitting order is changing all the time. New partnerships created every day are declared and they exact sitting next to each other. It is very hot outside – even hotter inside the car. Those of us who took the seat and try to be calm are losing peace because of never-ending waiting, desert heat and unexpected screaming. Atmosphere in the car starts to be unbreathable . We are down in the dumps. „We are losing oxygen“. We fight for our own survival , own ideas, own identity. When I am losing oxygen, I must stop again and tell myself : „Janka – be calm. You can choose!“ Yes, I have at least two possibilities: Calm down and search the way out from situation which chokes me – to add oxygen and to make a healthy decision. How to find oxygen and load life is described in this video. Or I stay choked and do quick, automatic decision which does not bring life only necessary survival .

This is the time of decision

I have to make a decision which is not easy – how to replay to our kids. It is a fight that takes just nanoseconds . Will I chose the tree of life – which means relationship = to talk about the things from the position of connecting and mutual understanding?

Or the tree of the knowledge of good and evil – to search for truth regardless what the other person feels, just endless philosophizing?

„…. if I believe, I do not have time, immediately I will lose the life and I chose death.“

From my own experience I noticed, that as the first factor of decision is the factor of time. It is a tireless fighter which goes against me. Or do I go against it? It entered the game of decision a long time ago. We were sitting at the table, watching the clock and planning. And we believed we must manage something in time. As if something could escape. But what? Food? Petrol station? Playground? Park where we wanted to go? All these things will wait for me tomorrow, the day after tomorrow or even later… Some of them even 24 hours a day. If I let this thief of time to get into my head, if I believe I do not have time, I will immediately lose the life and I choose death….

The tree of the knowledge of good and evil – I decide to prove the truth

…. So I choose the tree of knowledge – I decide to stay chocked and I do the decision I actually do not want to do. I became a judge and I decide who is right – I search for the guilty one,….

This decision brings high tone of voice – or the deep and strong one. Depends on each preferences. I put stickers on my own children – I call them using names which are false. Because I definitely do not think that any of my children is stupid or crazy, but despite this I am able to call them using these words. Next step is using of punishment, threats or long preaching. If we are real masters with also choose tasks which are impossible to be fulfilled: “Keep calm, immediately.“ To be frankly! Who of us is able to do it?

„Our focus were not children – but going out….“!

There were situations when our children were ignored, not understood, because there was no time to solve it. Our focus were not children – but going out, and so we decided to choose the fastest way how to reach our aim. And it was that I as a parent judge and decide – what is good and what is bad. I am righteous, I search „truth“ , no matter what it causes – even if it damages the relationship.

It brought its fruit which we had to eat – anger, crying kids, bad mood, tension and feeling guilty. Relationship was disappearing but it was clear who is right – who is guilty and who caused whole this unpleasant situation. We found him.

But – this was not what I wanted. In fact I am not focused on defining who is right. I am focused on relationship with my kids.

We call this that the winner is not the one who is right but who has more love.

The tree of life – I choose relationship

…. life, …connection, … oxygen… but how to find it in critical situations, when my recorded program automatically starts, even I do not want to start it, because I have already chosen the tree of life – I have chosen relationship – not my truth. When I make this decision, I become parent – hero of this situation.

„if I find the source of oxygen, I will find also life and I will bring it to the others.“

I know that if I find the source of oxygen, I will find also life and I will bring it to the others.

How to do it?

1. I have decided. I consciously choose life– I choose relationship.
2. I leave the situation which chokes me before my automatic program starts. Not to see, not to hear anything for a minute. To meet myself, my ideas and to meet God. To meet the person who gives me the oxygen tank. I breathe deeply, I refuse all negative ideas about my children and I decide to manage it. I know, I am not the victim of the situation. I do not have to!
3. I receive the oxygen tank and I return to the situs.
4. I calm down crying and suffering kids, I do not make any conclusion, I do not judge.
5. We define borders, consequences, rewards and conditions. This can help us to avoid searching the truth, because everybody will know the rules – the borders.
6. When I have enough oxygen, I can fully concentrate and see the reason of reaction of my kids and I will not replay to consequence of their behavior. Sometimes it can be the lack of sleep, of empty emotion tank, ignoring….
7. I use plenty of nice words, I release life – oxygen and I air-condition the situation in the car.

I managed it with help of God´s oxygen tank. I have chosen my kids – our relationship- not to be the judge. I did not throw stones on them – but I strengthen our relationship. They know they are loved. And those are the situations when we see the fruit from the tree of life. Fruit of peaceful way of forgiveness, joy, good mood, our time.

And I learn to make this process of deciding to be an automatic program which will always choose the relationship. But it is a journey.

I do not accuse myself. I am on the way

Every morning I make the decision of life. But sometimes I just fail. But I have right to do this. To fail.

There are days when I lay down in my bed and recapitulate the day. And I can see that I picked up more fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil than from the tree of the life. My thoughts start to attack me trying to tell me that I failed, I am not a good mother. And we are back in the very beginning of decision. Will I stay choked by my thoughts or will I go to find oxygen?

„ … I refuse my bad behavior. But nor myself!“

After making those bad decisions, and when my tank is full of oxygen again, I go to my kids, to my husband and I ask for forgiveness. I confess not acting correctly, I fix the things and I refuse bad behavior. But not myself! Because I know, I am not alone and tomorrow another day comes which gives me thousands of new opportunities to decide in another way.

And we teach this our children. „It does not matter if your reaction is not correct.“ We all learn this, we all are on the way. „We are here to help you with this.“ „ It is important- to long for returning to the tree of life.“

And to make them never forget – the winner is the one who has more love, not the one who is right.

Author: Janka